Two months
Time flies.First it was four months and now it is down to two. Two months before I pick up my luggage and leave my home for 25 years to another country to become, well, a student again. I don't know how I am supposed to feel. My friends say I should feel excited, blessed, happy.... But I really don't know what I am feeling right now.
As the time to leave gets nearer, I'm beginning to feel afraid. I can't believe I am actually saying this, but I am getting (very) cold feet. It's strange, considering this is what I wanted to do. Yes, I have wanted to go to grad school even before I graduate from Uni. You may think I'm stupid. People can't wait to get out of school and yet here I am trying very hard to get in. But I just love to be in school, studying more about what I love. I know I will go crazy with the books and bang my head on the table but hey, I will get by!
God answered my prayers really. I prayed that I'll get into grad school on a scholarship and He gave me entry into the grad school with a great program with full scholarship. Of course, I do have to pay the balance of my living expenses but my God provides abundantly. I love You!! God is good.
Well, just a few nights ago I was just about to get to bed. I was lying on my bed, looking up to the ceiling and just thinking.... Thinking bout things in my life, bout my school, bout my preparation... And then one thought came into my mind...I am going to miss my room, my dad, my home...everything. I know you think it's silly, hell I'm only going away for two years! It's not going to be eternity! But I just can't help thinking about how I'll miss the things around me, things that I've taken for granted since I was born. I started crying. No, not a tear or two but BAWLING. I cried till my eyes were red. I don't know what's wrong but I just can't stop crying.... It was pathetic. I just think of the new surrounding, the new pressure, how I have to call long distance just to talk to my family, how I can only IM my friends here and not being able to see them, how I miss the convenience of the transportation system... I just started crying and was on the verge of waking my dad up and tell him I'm not going to grad school anymore.
I got out of bed and went to the window and just started talking. Talking to God and really pouring my heart out to Him. I know He listens. You know how sometimes you are not really praying but you just want to talk to a friend? That's what I did and I spoke to God for a long time. I told him about my fears, about what I'll miss, bout how I want to give this up, about how I don't think I can handle my new environment and school..... I was like a child throwing a tantrum at her Father....just screaming all my innermost fears and worries to my Dad.
Does anyone have experiences like this or is it just me? Is this fear? Is this the wrong kind of feeling to have? I don't know. I don't even know why I got so fearful all of a sudden. I was excited but yet I'm not sure if I'll be able to handle this.
What if I fail all my classes?
What if I can't get along with the other classmates?
What if my supervisor turns out to be a big, bad monster?
What if I can't get used to the new environment?
What if.......?????
"For You meet him with the blessings of goodness; You set a crown of pure gold upon his head."
Psalm 21:3
This phrase never fails to comfort me.
Isn't it awesome how God is so sure of His blessings for us His children?
I don't have to work hard to find His blessings of goodness, He will meet me with those blessings.
I don't have to find the gold, He has already set the pure gold on my head as a crowning glory.
I find immense courage and peace from this phrase.
When God gives me the opportunity, He has already given me the ability.
When I am faced with a new environment, He has already filled me with His favor.
Now, it is up to me to have NO FEAR (which I need a lot of help in).
Out.
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Grad School Chronicler
Sane reflects @ this location permanently
2 reflects:
Hey, me just got back from camp and back to office today. Cleared all my emails this morning and finally get down to reading blogs...
U asked the question, does anybody else have the same kind of feelings as u did ? Well, i did. Perhaps i didn't cry as much as you, (cos most of the time after 5-10 mins of crying, i will fall asleep.. hahaha), perhaps i didn't bawl out at Daddy, but i know that it definitely didn't feel good at that moment.
Well, one of the more recent ones was when i started to learn how to drive. It was super duper demoralising and not a wee bit encouraging when i first started. (Imagine shedding tears and frantically blinking my eyes to stop those tears from flowing down my cheeks on my way home on the train?). I had lots of difficulties (rem i shared a big deal with you?). But Daddy God never fails to encourage me, to comfort me with His Words and with the friends i have around me. He gave me a strength, a courage i didn't even know existed that was inside of me. It's not me, it's Him who did it.
Nope, to date, i have still not passed my driving, but i know i will in Jesus name, by His grace , His favour and His mercy, i will.
So don't be discouraged sister, your Daddy God holds on to you and He will never let go of your hand.
He opened the door for you, be brave, be courageous, walk right thru' it. Your Daddy God had already gone before you and waiting for you with His arms open wide on the other side.
hey bud,
wow, sounds like theres a lot going on! i can see how youd be stressed... and somewhat worried... but i like the perspective youve got.
i think the doubt youre experiencing is pretty normal to most human beings, and i know i feel those thoughts quite often... but just keep christ as part of all you do, and he will guide your ways.
you rock, if youre ever in canada let me know! :)
jer
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