AlwaySane Is In Da House

The diary of Riley

Dear God:

How are you? We haven't met but I've heard great things about you. How you are all omnipotent and omniscient and all that. Well, let's not waste time anymore, shall we?

I have a problem. Two huge ones actually. You see, for I don't know the n^th number of time my dear Master has left us for greener pastures. And in her absence, Ming and I had to make do with her two lowly servants. You know, I like them and all (except that they smell funny) but there's something about them that makes me suspicious that they are sent by the devil.

I know how much you hate the devil. Yes, he's the mean one. You see, uncanny as it seems, I DO see some resemblance between the two lowly servants and the devil. Really. Let's just call them the two evil Beelzebubs.

For one, they leave early in the morning and left us alone. What they need to do so early in the morning I don't know. I hear one Beelzebub tell the other one to go first and she will be late, and then she runs out of the house after her. I don't know about you, but for us canines, we stick by our kind. You know, we don't leave one alone. So they must be doing something really bad outside and don't want us to know.

Then, by doing that, they left us alone in the house to fend for ourselves. I know, I know. WE are supposed to be the house-protectors, the enemy-watchers, the canine-enforcers, but before we can do that, we need some food. Them, they just left us without any. I can't even jump out of the bed, for Your sake! What am I supposed to do, scare away the evil-doers by looking all cute ON THE BED?


That's not all, they hardly ever give us any food. Yes, they do feed us and we ask for it by not finishing them up and later the Fat Cat (whom I'm convinced is a third Beelzebub on her bad hair day) comes and devours it. But you see, those are STAPLE food. We are EXQUISITE. STAPLE DOES NOT EQUAL EXQUISITE! We sometimes leave our statements of DISapproval lying around the house but that does not work out. They will just wipe them, flush away, and walk around as per normal.

I am convinced that the two Beelzebubs are stupid and need a new hobby. Just today, they dragged Ming and I to the basin and sprayed us with water. And worse still, the smaller Beelzebub (no doubt also prettier, but not as pretty as my lovely Master and Ming) rubbed me with some gross-looking, foul-smelling liquid. They call it sop, but I think it's more like yuck. It has a strange oatmeal smell. OH NO LORD! Do you think they are trying to feed me to the cat? Please rescue me Lord! I will do whatever you want me to do! I tried to escape but they were holding me so tight! I can't help it, Lord! I thought I was going to die by spraying. (What? You want me to stop peeing in the house?...Is there an alternative?)

Anyway...

That ordeal took 7 minutes and 43 seconds. It was the worst ordeal in my entire life. (Let me tell you a secret. I think my Master has been brainwashed by the Beelzebubs a little. You see, she called one of them and actually sounded happy! She thinks I can't hear but I was wide awake and alert as well. I also hear the ugly Beelzebub telling her how happy Ming and I were. LIAR! If only I have a phone, you big show-off lying being!)

Now, I have hypnotized one of the Beelzebub as I am sitting on her lap. I've hypnotized her mind and all that she is typing are my thoughts. I just want you to know, God, that I will do ANYTHING to let you know how much pain I'm in. I hope you understand.


You are asking me what kind of pain? Uh well... you see, after they are done with spraying me, they said they are giving us a T-R-E-A-T. I don't know why they have to spell it, thinking we are stupid or what. I know what they are talking about, the lousy slimes. T-R-E-A-T means B-A-C-O-N or H-A-M or C-H-I-C-K-E-N! But being stupid and exceptionally evil, they only gave us each a dog biscuit.

ONE DOG BISCUIT!

As if that's going to appease us of whatever misfortunes that befell us when our most-admirable Master left. They even pretend to take us out for a walk, and all they do is to wait for us to poo and pee and bring us back! How sneaky those evil ones. As if we're stupid! We played till we've had our fill of fun before we give them their golden gift! HA! To think they were happy when we did that, those silly cows! The walks they bring us out to isn't even worth my effort to put on my clothes!




I will let you know, the most Almighty One, that if you don't save us, I think we'll be left to the mercy of eternal badness. Please help us! Or at least, help ME!

I have to stop hypnotizing her now, in case she gets suspicious and tortures me by patting my head and seeing my head turns everytime she says "Do you want to go OUT?"

Oh yes, another thing. How in the world did the ugly Beelzebub gets so stupid? She thinks it's fun whenever she says that and my head turns but doesn't she know that OUT means a lot to us! It's like a royal decree, a word of prestige and honor! It's something you say and we respond to as an agreement to conquer the world! But she just stands there and repeats that sentence five hundred times! And worse still, the smaller Beelzebub is following her action! It's an epidemic!

I have to go. The other Beelzebub is waking up and she might get suspicious.

I hope you send your angels fast Lord. For I am afraid we're not going to have much time...

Your lovely, most handsome, most adorable and definitely smartest creation:

Riley A.

Sane reflects @ this location permanently