AlwaySane Is In Da House

I am so disappointed with myself

:_(

(Providing a bit of context here.)

Recently I've been really disappointed at myself and what I can achieve.

Just take writing for example. I used to think that I can write almost pretty well. Of course, I cannot be compared to (according to me) great phenomenal writers like Mr Brown, Miyagi, Jardiniere, and Karen Cheng but I think I can make people laugh.

Great writing engages me. I like writings that can put me in the authors' frame of mind, and yet provide necessary moments of reliefs by adding an anecdote here, a humorous touch there.

Well, that ability has officially left its fetters. In its free-flowing departure, it has also left me stranded.

I was reading through my old posts, especially those in Sane Classics, and felt a sense of emptiness. Where did all my wittiness and humorous writing go? It seemed to me now that finding something to write is too difficult.

I know, juggling work and a thesis among other things may have made me lose some insane inspiration for my posts. But then again, since when have I totally devoted myself to blog? Unlike Mr Brown and XX who made a name for themselves by their writinga, I have always wrote my posts as a "by the way" sort of thing.

When I was working in Singapore, I was busy but yet I can still write effortlessly. Now, it all seemed so hard.

Many times I wanted to write something, but ended up deleting them because they were just nonsense. Or maybe writing has become too tedious for me.

I have been dreading this.

Writing my thesis turned out to be a grave challenge. And that has somehow rubbed its curse on my ability to just write on the blog. Is that it?

So while waiting for my inspiration to return from its world tour, you people have to simply endure the lack of substance on this blog.

(Anyway, since when does this blog have substance?)

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I am studying for my Masters at Ithaca College.

Ithaca College School of Music also happens to be a very prestigious school.

(And I am not prestigious. I just happen to be enrolled in the Communications program, working my ass off because they gave me an award for conducting my thesis.)

For the prestigious ICSoM, every Summer, kids and youths from EVERYWHERE will be here to attend the Suzuki Institute.

So for the first time in Summer, IC is actually POPULATED by PEOPLE.

Walking around campus one can see students carrying voilins, voilas, and cellos. One can also hear melodies coming from windows in dorms and classrooms.

All in all, IC is a pretty place this Summer.

(Also, not forgetting the fact that people are dressed prettier.)

Why is this making the Sane disappointed, so you ask?

Well, it made me think about... What have I achieved so far?

Seriously? Nothing.

I have no knowledge, and I have no skills.

I play the cello, but I am not good at it.

I play sports, but I am not good at them either.

I do communications, but I am not excellent.

In fact, I'm not good at anything.

I am unlike the doctors, nurses, engineers, accountants, divers, biologists, curators, sports announcers, musicians, chefs, writers, pastors, farmers, teachers, etc. who all are capable of immense contributions to the world.

Nope. I am not one of them.

In fact, even after I graduate with an MS, I still have to pay off the debt incurred from my undergrad.

So what if I have a scholarship now? It does not make any difference to my life. Or my parents' life for that matter. I still can't fully support them.

Coincidentally, the TV was tuned to Sex and the City last night. For those of you who are still ignorant about this series because like about 80% of the population you don't have access to HBO, Carrie Bradshaw is the main character in SatC.

(Oooh.... Bradshaw is also my nick for ICQ, which of course, no one in the entire human race is using now that we have skype and msn and what-nots.)

So in this particular episode, Carrie and her man are visiting his family. Fast forward. She and the man's mother hit it off right away. They were having this conversation when the man first introduced Carrie to the family.

Man's Mother: I know you! I love to read your column!

Carrie: Oh thank you, it's nothing fascinating actually. I just write a column.

Man's Mother: Don't say that! By writing that column you educate the rest of the world what sex is like for people that we don't know!

(I am seriously paraphrasing here because for the life of me I can't remember the conversation word for word and I am too lazy and unitiated right now to look for the script. Maybe when I have time. Gist of it is present.)

Yeah... writing well is a contribution to the world. Like my friend Huimin, who writes for the paper, knowing that the words she puts out in print is probably changing the life of someone right now.

Even the ability to write is eluding me.

I don't regard myself as an achiever, or am I a contributor.

But I don't want to be a piece of liability in the community or the family, for that matter.

One thing I know for sure is that I am deeply loved. I take pride in that.

As for the rest, it is only a matter of time before I get to be out there, again, (hopefully) discovering what I am good at.

But till then, it's back to making this blog more reader-friendly and making sure my thesis project proceeds well.

(So, since when does this blog have substance?)

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Gloomy Saneness

Sane reflects @ this location permanently